Respect

Motherhood is full of lessons. Starting with learning to aim your pee at a stick, then how to put on shoes with a basketball belly, how to not get peed on changing a diaper, and how to strap a screaming, squirming toddler into a car seat… it goes on and on. One of the biggest lessons for me by far has been learning to respect my body.

Respect is a positive feeling or action shown towards someone or something considered important, or held in high esteem or regard; it conveys a sense of admiration for good or valuable qualities; and it is also the process of honoring someone by exhibiting care, concern, or consideration for their needs or feelings.  -Wikipedia

Let’s break this down.

A positive feeling towards something held in high regard

Photo credit: Fiona Margo Photography

Your body, as a female, is miraculous. Dudes are cool too, but having ovaries and a uterus means you can GROW A HUMAN. Not all women do it and it certainly does not make you any less phenomenal if you don’t. The possibility and reality of your body as a mother though, is truly astounding.

Lately, I’ve seen so many beautiful stories online of women celebrating their bodies in motherhood. From Katrina Scott of Tone It Up, to Chrissy Teigen, to Bikini Body Mommy, and so many others, stories filled with positivity in celebration of the pregnant, postpartum, and amazing female body are on the rise. And that should truly be the focus of all of us. Not stretch marks, not pregnant cankles, not undereye circles or any of the other criticisms we throw at our poor bodies that work so hard for us. But a freaking cel-e-bration, people.

Hold your body in high regard.

This was a huge area of growth for me. I spent years criticizing every little bit of my poor body. If I was out of shape, I would think negatively about my arms, belly, thighs, or butt practically every time I moved or saw myself. If I was in shape, I would pick on my skin, my nose, my chin, or some other thing. Basically, no matter what I did, my body was never good enough. Becoming a mom, particularly to a little girl, made me realize that is NOT how it should be. Through the lens of motherhood, I finally recognize and appreciate that my body is strong and capable of hard things (like really, really hard things!) and deserves praise, not judgment.

The process of honoring something by exhibiting care for its needs

This was even harder for me. My first pregnancy, I was a resident physician working 80 hours or more a week. I was used to being able to disregard my body’s wants and needs, like, ahem, sleep, food, etc… But then, I was so run down I puked until I needed IV fluids and started having premature contractions. I knew exactly what I would tell my own patients, but it took me sitting in Labor & Delivery triage, watching a monitor show me the effects of my actions, to give myself the same respect.

So then, I had it, right? Nope. Decided to whip my poor postpartum bod into shape after having baby number 2. Went on a crazy diet, worked out like a madwoman and what-do-you-know, my milk supply tanked. I struggled with this, refusing to treat my body with kindness, understanding, and yes, respect. Then, I beat myself up some more about having to give that baby formula too. Guess what, she’s healthy and I eventually, through coaching and kindness and respecting my body’s needs, got into the best shape of my life.

Finally, now, with this third baby, I’m *starting* to get it. I took leave from work when my body needed it in pregnancy. I listened when I needed to change my birth expectations. And today? Today I’m spending the whole dang day resting, drinking tons of water, and nursing my baby because I did a little too much the last 2 days and I’ve learned to listen and treat my body with respect.

Photo credit: Jordan Marie Photography

Moving forward

How can you start to show your body more respect? How can you honor it, show care for its needs?

Step 1: Look yourself in the mirror and say, out loud, “My body is incredible!” Or whatever you want your positive message to be. Not only does this make a difference in how you feel, but we are also teaching our children how to view and treat their own bodies. Setting this intention will guide even your subtle, subconscious actions to show it to them, and the world.

Step 2: Treat your body how you would want a loved one to be treated. For whatever reason, I have to get all 3rd person to figure out what is best for me. My internal drive to just soldier on is not always the best thing. If this is you too, imagine your sister or best friend or even your child telling you how they are feeling. What would you tell them to do? Give yourself the same consideration.

What are ways you all treat your body with care? Tell us in the comments so we can share ideas!

Photo credit: Little Wonders Photography

Dr. Annie is a mama of 3, family doctor and lifelong learner of how to follow my own advice.

 

Sexy as a M*ther

There’s a new sexy in town friends, and I would argue, it’s even better than before. It’s mom-sexy. We may not have the bouncy bounty of hair and bikini top filling of yesteryear, but we have some new moves that can light the 🔥🔥🔥 of romance like none other. (Literally. Because no one who’s not a mom would do this stuff…)

Wardrobe

Those young folks are all rocking flowy, low-cut tanks and dresses that show a hint of side or underboob here and there. The sexy implication being a nipple could be exposed at any moment. Enter: nursing tanks. This garment has the significant advantage of being able to actually whip out a titty in 1 second flat. Hey-yo!!!!

Shock Value

Sure Victoria would have you think your partner wants you in lacy little get ups 365 days a year. Let me tell ya, when all they’ve seen you in for months is spit-up stained sweats and then you slip on a real nighty? Firecrackers!!!

Naughty Naughty

Remember those teenage trysts making out when you knew your parents might walk in and bust you any minute -so hot, right? Well, as a parent, you get to turn the tables! You never know when a kid might wake up with a need for an escort to the bathroom and discover you and your partner “practicing stretching” or “having a tickle fight” 😳

Exploration

Another level of kink factor is available for all you cosleepers. Kid is in your bed so that’s off limits (at least I hope, because, wow! Boundaries, people). Hello, laundry room! Or take it to the bathroom counter. Nothing makes for creative sexcapades like having a literal cockblocker in your bed.

You said it!

New Turn Ons

Totally aging myself here, but… Remember when Devin Sawa’s bowl cut was the hottest thing (or were you a JTT gal?)? And then a few years later, it was boy band moves, then Abercrombie store dudes in barely-not-showing-pubic-hair-low cut shorts? What turns you on changes with time. And let me tell ya, once you’re a parent, there is basically nothing sexier than your partner going above and beyond with home & childcare.

Tell Me What You Want

What you really really want…. I’ll tell you what I want, what I really Really want. Because I’m a mom. And ain’t nobody got time for that Oh-let’s-pretend-this-is-fun-because-I’m-too-shy-to-be-honest sh*t. We know what works (hopefully!!) and we know how to get it and THAT, my friends is sexy.

Pregnant Sex

Ok, this one is transient, but can be ahhhhhmazing!! Increased blood flow? Yes please! Embracing your new curves? Oh yeah! Those pregnant boobs? 🙌🏻🙌🏻! If comfort allows, this can be one of the biggest perks of gestation. Get. After. It. There is a big ol’ dry spell (literally, so dry down there) coming up after baby. Store up some good times to last you through!

As always, keepin it Real

Real Talk

In all honesty though, it can be hard to feel like your former sexy self as a mom. Your body is different. It might feel better, it might feel squishier, it might feel completely foreign – no matter what, it changes. You may not have time for basic self care, much less a “beauty routine”. But instead of beating ourselves up about it and missing out on the fun, why not embrace it?! Your body can LITERALLY grow human beings. It’s miraculous. This is a special season in life and won’t last forever. Get out there and have a spicy Valentine’s Day, mamas! I, for one, think you’re SMOKIN!!! 😘

Dr. Annie is newly a mom of 3, a family doctor and finding new ways to be sexy all the time 😜

 

 

Turn up the heat on your winter fitness routine

January, the quintessential month for fitness and health resolutions, is arguably one of the crappiest times to start a new fitness regimen. The New Year holiday notwithstanding, in much of the United States, January and February often land you right in the heart of winter when outdoor swims are completely out of the question, outdoor running and cycling can you leave you frigid (or on.your.face. – black ice is a thing, y’all), and the motivation to “just get out and walk” can be at an all-time low. Unless of course you live somewhere tropical. In which case we’re not mad, just jealous.

So,  if your are struggling with how to add some variety to your winter routine, how to stay motivated through a cold spell a polar vortex February, or how to propel your New Year’s goals past the winter doldrums (AKA February), you ARE NOT ALONE. And you can do it! We are here to tell you, wholeheartedly to

bundle up, but DO NOT give up!

Between us, we have 10 postpartum fitness recoveries, a marathoner, a couple of cross-fitters, a few yogis, and a personal trainer. Here are our favorite ways to stay on track through winter weather, whatever your fitness level or style.

people exercising inside brown painted room

Hot Yoga

Don’t let the name scare you. This is nothing different than yoga in your living room except with a fancy heater.  There are now a variety of vinyasa or “flow classes” offered in heated studios as well as the traditional Bikram classes usually done somewhere between 84-110 degrees. Which, this winter feels about as close to a tropical vacation as we’re going to get. Several studios offer a weekly “community class” at reduced rates and offer student/military discounts.  As a former hater, “I sweat enough in regular yoga” I said… I have converted! I urge everyone to just GO. Don’t forget to pre-hydrate well and tell the instructor if you’re a beginner. Plus based on a 2018 Texas State University study, doing hot yoga can significantly lower body fat.* Which sounds on point for any New Year’s health resolution if I do say so myself. Take that, February.

athlete bike black and white cycle

Spinning

No icy trails to hold you back, and all the calories to burn. Spinning is particularly great because you can pace yourself, and control resistance yourself, BUT still have the benefit of trying to beat everyone else in the room. (Wait, is that just us?) Spinning is an intense cardio session that will leave your heart rate high, your motivation soaring, and pretty much guaranteed… your T-shirt soaked. No snow days for spin bikes.

sweat pics
Photo Credit: Sweat by Kayla Itsines

App based Circuit workouts

With great equipment-free workouts literally in the palm of your hand, your winter excuses run out. Lucky for you, there are several outstanding fitness apps that provide killer circuit routines with full equipment work-outs for the gym OR with zero equipment necessary for at-home use (Read: In your living room lunging with a child on your shoulders. Yea, it works.) A few of our favorite apps are featured in our Best Fitness App post, and lately we’re digging Kayla Itsine’s Sweat App and the free Daily Cardio App as well.  If you don’t want to subscribe to an app to do this training at home, let it be known that we fully support kitchen cardio-dance parties. (Cocktail, optional.)

three woman in assorted color sport bras holding and watching their smartphones

Phone a friend

Winter weather is much less likely to dissuade us if we know there is a friend holding us accountable for a missed workout. Ideally, we should all show up for ourselves. But especially when you are trying to set a new routine or if you know you have a tendency to sell yourself short, have a friend hold you accountable! Meet a friend at the gym or just ask someone to help hold you to your schedule by texting you to pony up when you say you will. You can also get this in a major way through class accountability. Crossfit, as one of many examples, has daily scheduled classes that help create friendships, workout buddies, and before you know it BAM….you have your accountability texts right there.

So get out there and get your fitness goals on… the cold need not bother you, anyway!

Sources

*Effects of yoga interventions practised in heated and thermoneutral conditions on endothelium-dependent vasodilatation: The Bikram yoga heart study. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/29349832

 

b8fd0f48-abdd-41a9-9b27-0b537b307a55We are moms to 10 kids, marathon runners, yogis, spinners, cross-fitters, gym-buddies, and kitchen dance party enthusiasts that believe fitness should always be a part of your life, even if it is -7 degrees.  And even if you dance with a cocktail.

We are Real As A M*ther.

Strong Women Series: Tackling Addiction with Compassion

Every day, millions of lives are touched by the disease of addiction. Whether personally, or through the eyes of family members or dear friends, many of us have watched and hoped while those we love fight their battle with addiction. According to the Surgeon General’s 2016 report, Facing Addiction in America, one in seven Americans will experience a problem with alcohol or drug abuse in their lifetimes, approximately 20 million Americans have current substance use disorders, and 78 Americans are dying from overdose every day.  Addiction knows no boundaries, and touches all walks of life and socioeconomic statuses, from celebrity to poverty.

addiction antibiotic capsules cure

Introducing Mary Page Shinholser

It is through this lens, that I am proud to introduce an amazing woman that I most definitely look up to, despite being almost 9 years older than her.  I first came to know Mary Page Shinholser through Crossfit, about a year ago, and found the more I got to know her, the more I admired her. I had only heard bits and pieces of her story, but I always found her energy positive and relatable.

One of the many reasons Mary Page is a hero to me is because she clearly answered a call from the universe to help, and teaches from her own personal experiences with addiction and empowers people to reclaim their world from its clutches.  Another is that she follows this call inexhaustibly, never failing to touch people and remind them that they are NOT ALONE. Ever.

In her words…

Here is Mary Page Shinholser’s story, in her own words:

Hello blog world! I’m here to tell you a little about me, what I do in the addiction and recovery field, and why it matters.

My experience in this world is long and personal. I have lost count of the funerals I have been to of those who have overdosed or had an addiction-related death. Some of the most amazing people in my life are in recovery. My father, step mother, three uncles, both grandfathers, a few good friends, two cousins, and a former boyfriend all are in recovery from Substance Use Disorders (SUD). They are kind, hard working, and compassionate people that as a child, I looked forward to spending the evenings with, either at Narcotics Anonymous meetings after school in a basement church, at cookouts, campouts, or holiday parties. I used to write some of my parent’s friends letters while they were in jail.  

MP and Dad
Me and my Father

I was always proud of the world I grew up in. I had a fantastic childhood. I vividly remember my very first drug talk at the age of seven, and my first drug test. Drug tests were kept on top of our fridge, and my first one was administered at the age of 12. I knew no different, in fact I was shocked to find out that most other kids didn’t grow up the way I did.

The first time I experienced the stigma attached to the disease of addiction (yes, disease, I’ll touch on that a bit later), was in middle school. I wanted to have a sleep over and my friend’s parents wouldn’t let her come over to my house because, she said “my mom said no because your dad is a drug addict.” I didn’t understand, and my little broken heart said “my dad is NOT a drug addict. He’s in NA, he is clean, and has been clean since before I was born! HE WORKED THE STEPS!” I was distraught. I cried, a lot. I guess that is where the educator in me was first born. 

Fast forward 15 years. I’m teaching 8th grade civics and economics and loving it. When I was told by the county that I wouldn’t have a job the following school year, I was absolutely crushed. Here I was, finally loving what I do and I was damn good at it. I had a 94% SOL passing rate, (do you know how hard that is to achieve with middle schoolers obsessed with Instagram and Fortnite?) I was coaching Track and Field, and I was making a difference. 

Throughout this period in my life, the opioid epidemic was at an all time high, and it really pissed me off. I heard this little voice in the back of my head saying, “Mary Page. DO. SOMETHING.” Well, the universe heard me. Soon after that, I had a recruiter reach out to me on LinkedIn and asked me, “Have you ever thought about teaching people about addiction and recovery?”

MP fam
Me with my Dad and Stepmom

“Well, Hell YEAH!” I thought, and a few interviews later, I received an offer that I just could not refuse. I landed a Community Relations role with a treatment center that truly is on a mission to provide the best high-level treatment and care in the field. #winningforeveryone

My job is to travel around the state of Virginia, let people know who I am, who we are, what we do, and how we do it. I get to talk to people in probation and parole, inmates, counselors, doctors, lawyers, politicians, school counselors, and beyond. I not only get to teach people about treatment, but I also get to give people hope. I get to tell people they’re not alone. I get to give people a first, second, third, or fourth chance at a better life. Most importantly, however, I get to educate people into getting the right treatment options for them. And if we are not right for them, I point them in the direction of the best fit for their recovery.

What is SUD?

SUD is categorized and defined as a disorder and mental illness by the American Psychiatric Association and is listed in the most recent version of the DSM-5. There are three subclassifications (mild, moderate, and severe) that fall into four major categories: impaired control, social impairment, risky use, and pharmacological criteria.

Brain
Photo Credit The Recovery Research Institute

Addiction is not a one size fits all disease. There is no single treatment that works for everyone who walks through our doors. There is no chemotherapy, blood transfusion, surgery, or transplant that can cure it. It is pure hard work. Tackling recovery, whether it’s your first time or your twentieth, is majorly hard. It is emotional and it is raw.

In a way, I have found my purpose in life through this new role I am in. I want to educate people not only on addiction, but also on mental illness in general. There are so many diseases and disorders out there that people know nothing about, but cast judgement upon it, which makes it so much harder for people to reach out and get the help they need. If I can reach one small group of people, or even just one person, and let them know, “Hey, I see you. I will help you. I love you, and you are not nor will you ever be alone. I will fight with you and I will fight for you,” then I can sleep soundly at night.  

I want to end this post with two things. First, if you or anyone you know are struggling or even showing small signs of SUD, reach out and ask for help. It is out there and it is closer than you think. Second, be kind and be compassionate.

The human race has mastered the art of covering things up with a smile. You never know when you’ll be faced with SUD head on, but I can guarantee you this; this community is strong, this community is welcoming, and this community is filled with fighters.

I will say it again, so you can hear it. You are Not Alone.

Feeling Inspired?

Big thanks to Mary Page for telling her inspiring story! For more resources and further reading on SUD and addiction, check out the Surgeon General’s full report on Addiction in America, or this fantastic TED talk by Johann Hari. And please, pay your knowledge and compassion forward. Share the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) website and free confidential helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357) with those you love. The SAMHSA offers 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders. Let’s commit to saying it loud, together: YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Stay tuned, because Mary Page has an awesome Podcast launching later this month entitled “Ment”. It will primarily focus on mental and behavioral health issues that fly under the radar. People who have suffered from these disorders will be given a platform to share their stories, how they reached a point to seek recovery, and how their recovery is thriving. The hope behind this new endeavor for Mary Page is to pay recovery forward. To allow people to know that you are “Ment” to be right where you are in your journey.  You can look for more updates as they come on our Real As A Mother social media sites.

 

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Kristy is a birth doula, massage therapist, homesteader, mother of two, and supporter of strong women in Virginia.

 

 

How to Spoil A New Mama

The transition from expecting, to being a new mom of a babe outside the womb is one of the absolute craziest life changes a human can experience. One day, you’re the object of everyone’s attention, being helped and fawned over by friends and strangers alike. The next thing you know, BAM! All the attention is on the new little miracle and you’re left in the shadows with your deflated-balloon belly and under-eye bags for days.

crescent moon and cloud wind chimes

As mamas to a collective 10 little people, we are often asked about the best things to bring, give, or do for a new mother.  Assuming that family and friends have already set the new mama up with the basic necessities to survive those first couple months (registry items, meals, diapers, etc.), we’ve listed here a few ways to go one step beyond and make that new mom feel not just like she’s surviving but that she’s spoiled and loved as much as the adorable little being she just birthed. Here are some of our favorite recommendations for new mamas, from mamas who have beentheredonethat.

The Spa Treatment

New moms obviously won’t likely get to go TO an actual spa while they’re on the feed-change-rock rollercoaster of newborn life. Here are a few easy gifts to make her feel pampered in the same way.

Good Dry Shampoo

Showers can be few and far between.  Let alone showers long enough to wash one’s hair. Help a mother out by getting her one of these top dry shampoos to fake it:

R+Co Death Valley Dry Shampoo, 6.3 oz.
R+Co Death Valley Dry Shampoo
Living Proof Perfect Hair Day Dry Shampoo 4.0 oz Pack of 2
Living Proof Perfect Hair Day

 

 

Excellent Lip Balm

When you’re trying to keep hydrated for two, your lips get chapped like no other. Treat a mama to one of these:

it Cosmetics je ne sais quoi Color Awakening Balm in ‘your perfect pink’ starts out clear but changes to the perfect rosy tint to complement you once it’s on. And Smith’s Rosebud salve is a classic, but the tin can be hard to open one-handed, go with the tube trio!

Moisturizer

Same goes for skin! A non-toxic, yummy smelling lotion or body oil can make you feel refreshed even if you just used a baby wipe to towel off a massive spit up in lieu of showering. Nuxe Huile Prodigieuse can be used on every outside part of your body – face, hair, and body – making it super easy to slap some on when you’re jumping out of your 2 minute shower when your baby’s crying, and smells like you just went to Paris and spent the day in a fancy boutique. (A girl can dream…)

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At Home Facial

Help mama look a *little* less tired than she is with one of these easy treatments – all wearable while walking around bouncing a fussy babe:

Sheet masks! Go simple with a variety pack from Target or deluxe from Sephora – no matter what, these pamper and then can be tossed in the trash. For the inevitable under-eye (ahem, Prada) bags, Nerium hydrogels and eye serum – we’ve talked about this wonder duo before. No need to beat a dead horse but if you want to knock out some serious undereye bags in 20 minutes flat, this is how to do it!

Aromatherapy

A well-placed candle or diffuser has the power to make a room feel clean and fresh even when it’s nothing close to that.  (Because, well, did we mention the feed-change-rock rollercoaster?) Here are some faves:

 

The Baies Dyptique candle makes any space smell as fresh as a garden, even when you are feeling anything but fresh, and the Noodle and Boo diffuser is subtle enough for the nursery, and sweet enough to make you forget about your toddler’s crusty mac and cheese plate in the sink.

Bebe Luxe

Having a few luxury baby items can also brighten the most mundane baby care moments and new mamas may not want to spend the money on these, admittedly nonessential but oh-so-nice-to-have, items.

Monogrammed Burp Cloths

Burp cloths literally become part of your wardrobe as a new mom. Why not make them cute?! Personalized cloths make for a lovely gift, and one that keeps on giving for years – we’ve been known to wipe toddler faces, noses, and just about everything else with these pretty little things. After all, if you’re going to be covered in baby (toddler, and child) puke, why not feel monogrammedly-fabulous about it?! Exactly.

monogram cloth
This thing has been trashed and washed about 14,000 times and is still looking fab.

 

If you have the skill set to make these yourself – you win. If you (like us) don’t, there are fortunately a variety of styles available from a number of sellers on Etsy. We purchased ours from a lovely shop called The Letter Garden.

The Fancy Baby Lotion

Babies, especially newborn babies, smell amazing. Their sweet fuzzy heads and little toes… Oh! Too. Much. Sweetness.

babychair
Photo credit: Deanna Casey Photography

However, babies have their share of smelly moments too. (If the phrase “baby blowout” means nothing to you, take our word for it.) Here are some of our favorite, fancy,  “sweet-baby-smell” lotions that are safe and wonderful for newborn skin and effective enough for a new mom’s chapped hands (you wash your hands A LOT with a new baby).

 

Noodle and Boo Super Soft Lotion is the sweetest smelling, and most effective baby lotion we know of! It’s darling packaging doesn’t hurt either. We also love the California Baby line. The everyday lotion, overtired and cranky, and calendula cream are both also divine.

Beyond Sustenance

Meal Trains are a Godsend for getting dinner (and hopefully leftovers for lunch!) taken care of. You can register for, and set up a Meal Train on their website, here. However, new mamas also need yummy, nutrient dense snacks in the early days of recovery from birth and nursing. (And often end up balancing a sleeping baby in their arms in search of an easy to grab snack!) Here are a few ideas.

person carrying a baby

Energy Bites

These are like a healthy nutrient packed version of cake balls. Easy to grab and wolf down even with a crying baby in one arm. Mix ingredients together, basic recipe amounts below, there are endless possible combinations, chill for 30 minutes then roll into balls and coat in final ingredient. We love chocolate-coconut and cashew-butter-cran-raspberry!

  • 3/4 C organic old fashioned oats
  • 1/2 C nut butter of choice
  • 1/2 -1 C chocolate chips, craisins, shredded coconut, chopped nuts, crumbled freeze dried berries or whatever else sounds good
  • 2 TBS sweetener: honey, maple syrup, agave or whatever you fancy
  • Coating: peanut butter powder, shredded coconut, pulverized freeze dried fruit, hot chocolate mix…

cookies on square white ceramic plate

Lactation cookies

Yes you could get store-bought versions of these, and no, they probably won’t triple her milk supply. However, letting a new mom indulge in homemade cookies and imagine they’re healthy is what a real friend does! This recipe is from Genius kitchen.

Accessories

Unless you’re a celebrity, the new-mom uniform is stretchy pants, nursing tank, messy bun, all day, errryday. However, it’s amazing what a little accessoried “flare” can do to make a girl feel more human. (And fake an actual outfit with minimal wardrobe changes. #score)

Sweaters and Wraps

Mama can toss one of these over a legging/nursing top “mom-suit” and suddenly, voila! You’ve got yourself an outfit!

 

Earrings

A stylish drop earring can make that messy-bun look like its purpose is to show off some ear flare instead of disguising the spit-up in momma’s ponytail. (Not that we’ve ever done that before…)

 

We love the casual look of the leather  Zia earrings from Magnolia Market, and the Aragon hammered drop earring from Kendra Scott for maximum versatility and style.

Fancy Hair Ties

Uplevel that pony or mom-bun with one of these. Bonus – nursing mommas can also use them as cute bracelets to remember which side she last nursed the baby on! Win win!

 

 

Happy shopping mom-friends and congratulations on being the favorite person of the lucky new mom in your life!

This post contains affiliate links to help you find the products we recommend. We may receive a small contribution from your use of the links, but the recommendations are all our own and unsolicited.

018 (1 of 1)The Real As A M*ther crew, mamas to 10 littles; a doctor, lawyer, doula, and financial planner; and happy spoilers of Dr. Annie, a glam new momma to her brand new baby boy.

I Am Not a Part-Time Parent

I cannot believe we still have to have this conversation, but here we are. Someone recently made a comment to me that it must be nice to be a “part-time parent” because I, like my husband, work outside of the home in an office during the week.

I was pretty surprised at the comment. “Part-time parent?” I asked. “Yeah,” she said, “You basically only have a few hours a day with your kids and on the weekends. That sounds pretty part-time to me.”

eye roll

Once I was able to convince myself not to hurl myself at this person, I decided to put pen to paper on a few thoughts, juuuuuust in case anyone reading this has had the same misconceptions about what it can mean to be a working mother.

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1. When I work during the day to help earn income for my home – to help pay the mortgage, lights, car payment, insurance, etc, I am being a parent.

2. When I stay late to try to close that deal or finish that project, so I can try to earn some extra income to save more for college for my kids, for example, I am being a parent.person holding pink piggy coin bank

3. When I show my kids that a woman can be equal to men with regard to financially supporting a family, I am being a parent.

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4. When I rearrange my day and client meetings to care for a sick child, take them to an appointment, or join for a field trip, I am being a parent.

5. When I do an entire presentation to a group of potential investors with baby spit-up down my shirt, covered by a suit jacket, without missing a beat, I am being a parent.  (BTW, this did happen, and I always felt like Michelle in One Fine Day with the dinosaur shirt on…)

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6. When I stay up late to study so I can propel my career forward with the dream of creating an even better life for my kids, I am being a parent.

7. When I get home in the evening, exhausted from a particularly trying day, and I help my kids with homework, clean up the dinner my husband kindly made, give the kids a bath and tuck them into bed with a kiss, I am being a parent.

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8. When on the weekends, I attempt to catch up on some piles of laundry and cleaning I couldn’t tackle during the week, I am being a parent. Yes, my house might not be perfect, but that’s not my priority right now. We all prioritize things differently, it’s what makes us uniquely ….you guess it…..parents.

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9. When I work on my laptop for a few hours on a Sunday to catch up because I had to pick up my kid from school because he was sick earlier in the week, I am being a parent.

10. When I take some time to go to the gym so I can set an example for my kids to prioritize their physical health, taking them with me to show them safe and effective examples of doing so, I am being a parent.

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Dear mamas, none of you are less of a parent if you work inside the home, work outside of the home, have a nanny, don’t have a nanny, or sit in a bubble bath in your spare time.

I am a parent 100% of the time, regardless of whether I am physically present with my children or not. No one can convince me anything about my parenting is “part-time” so don’t let anyone make you believe it either!

Also, let’s take this opportunity to remind each other to stop spending time with people who don’t feed your positivity. You know who they are. They are the women who smile to your face but are threatened by your happiness or success. They are the ones who will talk snidely about the fact that your house isn’t as clean as theirs or that you gained a couple more pounds than last year. These “Frenemies” have no place in my life and I hope you make a conscious decision to remove them from yours!! (See Discovering and Coping with Energy Vampires). In the words of Sophia A. Nelson:

Be a  woman other women can trust. Have the courage to tell another woman directly when she has offended, hurt, or disappointed you. Successful women have a tribe of loyal and honest women behind them. Not haters. Not backstabbers or women who whisper behind their back. Be a woman who lifts other women.

People who truly love you will understand that your shining light never dims their own. They won’t call attention to your faults or your struggles. They won’t be jealous of your happiness and try to ruin it. They will highlight your strengths and your triumphs. Those are your people. And those people know there is nothing part-time about love.

Love,

Margo

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Margo is the silly lady in the blue dress, a full time mom of two, supporter of other parents and financial advisor.

 

Discovering and Coping With the Energy Vampires In Your Life

Do you ever find yourself wondering, watching through exhausted eyes as the kids get back on the bus after winter break, why the holidays left you so unimaginably drained? The more I think about it, stories of heightened stress around the end of the year holiday festivities have my thoughts pointed in a singular direction. Overwhelming. Amounts. Of. People.

Photo Credit The Carson J Spencer Foundation blog

Whether it is travel, being around family, or the financial pressures we place on ourselves, it seems after that shiny disco ball rings in the New Year, a collective sigh of relief audibly guides us back to our sense of normalcy. Does anyone else ever find themselves asking… “why?”

After all, we can mostly push the proverbial pause button on school, morning routines, and after school/work activities for a bit. We’ve spent time at home, in our pajamas, sipping coffee and smiling at each other while the kids relished in the magic of the season, right?

Oh wait…I forgot.

 

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There were school parties; work parties; friend parties; shopping in crowds; returning gifts; family to see, cook for and entertain; traffic; neighbors; gaggles of children…must I go on?

The point is, during this time of year we are almost forced to be around people that we may not see throughout the year. Sometimes this is a great thing and we are filled up with warm fuzzies, but other times we leave a situation feeling drained, overwhelmed, angry, depressed, anxious, threatened, and just down right OVER IT.

If this is you, my friend, then you have yourself what I have become accustomed to calling, an “Energy Vampire.” 

Photo Credit headinablender.com

The easiest way I can describe this is in terms of positive and negative. A positive person is in tune, energetic, with a light that flows outward. A negative person’s energy is blocked from the source, so their energy is dense, almost like a black hole, within themselves. The blockage does not allow the energy to replenish, so in order for them to be filled, they have to seek the energy of others.

These individuals may creep up on you, engaging you in a conversation that leaves you feeling empty.  They may not even realize that this is what they are doing to you! They just know that they can dump their emotional “stuff” into your bucket and feel better, regardless of how it leaves you feeling.

No matter what you do, how you try to steer conversation or the direction of the friendship, this one person always finds a way to latch onto you and send you energy revolving in an orbit of negativity around them.

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Most of these individuals are emotionally and energetically immature, so they lack any sort of empathy to recognize the social cues one might give them that they are being too draining.  They also may not care even if you socially cued them right upside their head, because they derive energy from other individuals, and they don’t know how to stop themselves from doing it.

I can’t stop them for you; however, I’m gonna give you some garlic-laced energy ammunition to protect yourself.  Just in case your cat-like reflexes kick in and make you situationally aware when people are waiting for an opportunity to jump into your bubble, I am going to give you some positive tools to use when your emotional capacity is plentiful and you want to be of help.

Photo Cred Joyful31.com

1. Know Your Personal Boundaries

In order to ward off an “energy vampire attack”, we have to be aware of our own personal struggles, mood, and headspace.  “Energy vampires” tend to feed on the weak. The higher your energetic capacity is, the less likely your energy will be drained. Daily, self-centering practices such as meditation, and self reflection are helpful keys to prepare yourself when you have to interact with these types of people. If you know your cups are low, avoid them at all costs.

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2. Roll Deep When You Can

If you can avoid one-on-one time with an energy-draining individual, then do. Interacting with negative people is almost always easier in group situations.  Dealing with them in groups not only sways the attention from being directly on you, but often makes the individual less likely to engage in immature behavior. Supportive friends and family are always great allies in these situations.

3. Make a Clean Break

Sometimes, the best way to deal with “Energy Vampires” is to recognize them for what they are and simply keep your distance. Maybe for a short term, maybe for a long term, or maybe until they, or you, are in a better place to communicate with each other. But sometimes you just need to make a clean break. It is important to ask ourselves

“what value is this person/these people actually adding to my life?”

If you are spending way more time solving their problems, listening without reciprocation, coming to their rescue, or worst yet, taking the fall for them when sh*t hits the fanthen it behooves you have to take serious inventory as to what this person is adding to your life. This is not to say that we don’t stand by old friends when sh*t hits the fan. On the contrary.

This is where the old pros and cons lists comes in handy. It sounds silly, but, I absolve you of any guilt-ridden feelings in performing this task.   You need your energy for the things you love, giving it away to those who won’t hold it dear is not something vital to your happiness. End. Of. Story.

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4. Be Direct

If your kindness kicks in and you want to lend a hand, try and keep your conversations direct. Instead of saying things like “tell me about it,” ask them directly “what can I do to help you?” This can ring very deeply in their empty well, and help them feel listened to and appreciate you on a different level.

For example, as a sleep deprived young mother my energetic cups were often very low and easily sucked into others’ negative inner turmoil. Hindsight is certainly 20/20 as I look back and see that if I could have found the energy at that time to simply ask directly what I could do to help with these individuals’ problems, we may have been able to work together to forge a constructive way to work out our differences, and we would have all been better off. And I could have saved myself a lot of energy-draining days.

5. Have a Self-Care Plan

If interaction with your “vampire(s)” is inevitable (for example with a coworker one cubicle over, or family member that seems to always “drop in“), have a routine for self-care in place for after you are around them (to remember your awesomeness, of course).  Maybe it’s a hot shower to rid yourself of their energy, or doing something nice for yourself or someone your care for – it all comes back to doing things that make you smile and re-fill your energetic “cups.” Whatever it is, tell your partner that you will need to have that time to fill back up immediately after the interaction is over. Your relationship with yourself and with all parties concerned will be better for it.

Photo Credit The Country Workshop

Setting boundaries, remembering who you are, listening to your own needs, engaging in direct conversation, practicing self care, and making a clean break when necessary, are the key components I have found successful in protecting oneself from those who feed off of your energy. I hope these tools help you to recognize who the “Energy Vampires” are in your life (OR if you are one to someone else!) and  go more confidently into situations with your own potential “Energy Vampires” and allow you to more deftly navigate them so that you aren’t left with an empty tank.

Now, go forth and be awesome!

004-1-of-1Kristy is a mother of two, Massage Therapist, and proponent of total body healing in Virginia.